Cut Here
by spike.vs.angel
Summary: Buffy Summers was the most popular girl at school until a new girl came and ruined everything. Now shes alone and finds herself falling into depression and thinks that cutting herself is her escape. Then a suprising person helps her out because he relates
1. Prologue

~Prologue~  
  
My life used to be perfect. Middle school was some of the best years of my life. I was popular and always seemed to be surrounded by my friends. I didn't have a boyfriend at the time but it never seemed to matter because I was always around so many guys as well as girls. It was when I got to senior high that things started to go very drastically downhill.  
  
My first day at Sunnydale Senior High was great. All my friends and I settled in easily and it was a great start. I even had my eye on a hot guy in year twelve whose name was Spike. Then it was the second day that a new girl came to the school. Her name was Glory. I realised that she used to go to the same school as me in L.A. but I hardly knew her there because it was such a big school. She took an immediate disliking to me but became very popular with all of my other friends. By the second week of school she was the most popular girl in year eleven. I never cared about popularity or being the best, I just cared about having a good time. There was no way I was jealous and I never said anything nasty to her so it was a horrible shock when she spread the rumour about me.  
  
At first I didn't even know what the rumour was about, only that even my close friends were beginning to stop talking to me. Soon one girl was sympathetic enough to tell me what the rumour actually was about. As soon as she told me I felt a mixture of so many feelings but the main one was anger. How could Glory have been so cruel as to tell everyone that I was a psycho loser at my school in L.A. and that I used to be in a mental institution? Okay, so I was a bit of a loser and I did go slightly crazy and was in an institution for a short period of time but that was all in the past. What did I ever do to Glory anyway?  
  
I felt so crappy. Even the biggest geeks and nerds didn't talk to me. I sat by myself in class and at lunch I couldn't face the school yard so I sat in the toilets. I even stopped eating during lunch even though I love food. I thought my life would never get any better. 


	2. Things Worsen

Weekends have become the best part of my life these days which is sad because I used to love school and being with everyone, but now I have no friends so I'd rather stay in the comfort of my home and watch movies. No one gives me strange looks as I walk by at home; I'm free to do what I want. Although recently my mom has begun pestering me to do stuff with my friends like I usually do instead of watching Titanic all afternoon. But I can't tell her, she'll probably do something totally irrational like talk to my principal or get me to go to counselling.  
  
On Monday morning I felt sick with panic, I couldn't face another day at school, of being alone and spending lunchtimes in the smoky, smelly, toilets. My mom, came in and told me to get up. I tried really hard to feign sickness but mom wouldn't have it. She figured there was probably a test at school that I didn't want to do. So, regretfully I got up, dressed and picked at a piece of toast before going out the door and heading at a snail's pace off to school.  
  
I thought the first week of school was bad. But it barely compared to today, today there were taunts, people who I barely knew calling out things to me. Mostly it was just stupid comments like;  
  
"Ey Summers, shouldn't you be heading back to the mental home, that's where you belong." But there were worse comments like the one I just received,  
  
"Buffy, you stupid slut, why don't you just go to hell, you don't deserve to be here, I feel sorry for the mental patients that had to put up with you." Those comments really got to me but mostly I just let them pass because I was trying to act like tough Buffy. I didn't fight back, didn't say anything, just continued on my way, feeling worse and worse.  
  
When I got to the end of the day we had math, my least liked subject and it turned out that we had a test. Everyone seemed to know about it but I had no clue. It seemed even the teachers were turning on me today. I did the test and three pages and one hour later I was finished and just about ready to burst into tears because I knew that I had utterly failed the test and today was the worst day at school I think I've ever had, bar the day in grade six.  
  
*Buffy's Memory of that day*  
  
Last day in grade six, everyone was celebrating. I was signing people's jackets and people were signing mine. Willow, my best friend decided to take a drink at the taps; I didn't follow because I wasn't thirsty. A split second later there is a huge roaring sound above us. I look up and there is a plane really close to us. Then there was an explosion and all I remember is screaming, and then blackness.  
  
I woke in a hospital bed later that day, getting away with a few bumps and scratches, but Willow, she died. She was killed because of a war and the people that bombed us. The funeral was two days later. I didn't even cry, because tears weren't enough to relieve the sadness I felt. I lost the best friend I ever had on my last day of grade six. I will never ever forgive that plane and the men in it.  
  
Quickly snapping out of my own thoughts I realised we could go and I jumped out of my seat and ran home.  
  
* * *  
  
Friday came so slowly that week and people's comments were beginning to make me angry. So on Thursday morning I couldn't take it anymore and instead of going straight up the road to Sunnydale High I turned left and hurried down the road toward the train station. I was kind of worried that someone might catch me but after five minutes I realised it was ok. No one cared about me, it didn't matter what I was doing; people were too wrapped up in their own lives to be concerned about mine.  
  
When I got to the station I was just in time for the express train to L.A which only took a couple of hours to get there. I walked down the aisles of businessmen who commuted to the city each day. Every one of them was either reading the daily paper or typing on their laptops, all completely busy with their lives.  
  
I found my seat and sat there and tried to calm the anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach, I tried telling myself that it will be ok but the feeling kept building until we finally pulled into the Los Angeles station.  
  
That was when my sense of adventure finally kicked in and I stepped down of the train onto the busy platform.  
  
A/N: I was going to write about her day in the city, but I have a major headache at the moment so I'm just going to post this and you'll have to wait till next time for her big day in the city. Hope you like it!! Also, I'd like to say thankyou to hells-angel01, Acid fairy and Jess.A for reviewing, reviews make me happy and want to write more. 


	3. Angel in LA

Disclaimer: It's occurred to me that perhaps I should add in a disclaimer. So here goes: I do not own the characters of Buffy; they are property of Joss Whedon etc. Only the storyline is my original work.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The rush of people streaming by me, the squeak of shoes on linoleum, and the hum that people en masse gave off as they talked about whatever they talked about. I was lost in a world of business and I had no where to go and nothing to do.  
  
As time passed I tried to think of where I could go. I really didn't want to see my dad, plus how would I explain. There weren't any places that seemed fun for me, plus I barely knew my way around. Then I had an idea. Angel. He had been a family friend when we had lived here in L.A. I've known him since I was a toddler. He's older than me, by a few years but we were really close. I remember spending so much time with him, right from when we playing in the sandpit together up until when we were both starting high school. That was when I moved. It was devastating news for me; I was going to lose my only other best friend apart from Willow. After she had died in grade six Angel and I became even closer so when it was time to tell him I was moving it became so hard and I didn't know what I could say, I spent a week avoiding him trying to figure out a what to do.  
  
* Buffy's Memory*  
  
The doorbell sounded. As I jumped up to answer I felt sick to my stomach with nerves. Slowly I opened the door and Angel started to come inside asking what it was I wanted to talk to him about. My mouth was completely dry and it took a few minutes to get out any words. Finally I made a choked sound meaning come in and I headed down the hall to our living room. I sat, and Angel, looking concerned, sat too. When I finally got up my courage to speak, all my carefully prepared lines went out the window. "I'm leaving" I said. For the longest time Angel said nothing, just sat there. Then he asked when I was leaving and I said today he almost fainted on the floor in front of me. "We can still stay friends" I muttered. But I knew it was no use. It wouldn't be the same. He just stood up and left. I never saw him again. I tried calling but I never got through. After a while I just gave up.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
If I was to see Angel things would be weird wouldn't they? We will never be how we used to be. But maybe we can start over. Forget the past. Make a new friendship. Would Angel be ready to deal? Or will he see me and think back to what happened and go cold. Well, there's only one way to find out. I decided to see him, only trouble was, how would I find him? I looked across the slowly emptying platform and saw a telephone booth on the farthest side. I rushed over to it and saw a battered telephone directory lying inside. I looked up O'Connor and found there to be two. He must live on his own now. He would be what, twenty one? I looked at the addresses and saw that one of them was the house Angel used to live in. That must be his parents' house then, so that leaves the other address to be Angel's apartment. O'Connor isn't a very popular name in L.A. I headed over to the information desk to ask for a map and to see where this place was.  
  
"Why hello little lady, what can I do for you today?" the man at the desk asked as I approached him.  
  
I just rolled my eyes, "I want to know where this address is", I handed him the slip of paper with Angel's address on it.  
  
"Ok, well, this is easy to get to on a bus, I take it you don't have enough money for a cab? I thought not" he said before I had a chance to answer, then he continued on, "Just go up those stairs and it will take you out to 4th Street. Catch bus number 482 from there and it will take you to this part of town. When you see Johnstone Elementary on the left get off the bus and walk past the school in the direction that the bus was headed, then at your first intersection, turn left and about 5 houses down you'll see the block. The only reason I know this young lady is because I live in the area, you should be grateful because normally people don't know more than the part of the city than they need to."  
  
"Thankyou, I really am gracious you've been a great help to me" I said and headed off up the stairs to find the bus the man spoke of.  
  
When I reached 4th Street and found the bus stop I took the time to look around and take in the busy road. Everyone around me seemed to be doing stuff, there were mothers with little kids in prams rushing around probably about to get some groceries, there were businessmen heading to their sky- high office buildings, there were tonnes of cabs heading down the road either full of passengers or about to load in some more people. Life in the city sure seemed busy. I miss it. I missed having lots of people around that I didn't even know. I could meet someone new everyday if I wanted to whereas in Sunnydale everyone knew most of the people there and if you didn't know a person yourself you knew someone that knew them.  
  
My head snapped back to reality as I saw the bus coming closer to the pavement. It stopped and I boarded along with several other people. I headed about halfway down the bus and sat on a patchy worn out seat that was covered with horrible 70's seat covers that had rips in it. This bus wasn't in the best condition. Then again, neither were most buses in L.A.  
  
The bus stopped outside the elementary like the man said it would and I stood up to get off. After walking about half a block I came to the street I was looking for; Green St. I turned and started looking at house numbers. When I reached an old brick block of apartments that had the number 28 on them I got scared and started thinking irrationally. What if he's not home? What if he doesn't remember? What if it's not his place? What if he's still angry about it? All the "what ifs" gushed through my head for about five minutes until I managed to calm down and slowly, shakily walk up to apartment number three and tap lightly on the door.  
  
I heard shuffling coming from inside and then the door opened and I saw Angel standing there. He looked exactly as I remembered, only older. He saw me and for a moment he just stood there, mouth open, as he had done all those years ago when I told him I was leaving.  
  
"Buffy" He whispered.  
  
"Can I come in?" I asked.  
  
"Uhh.O-Of course, sorry, please do" He managed to spit out.  
  
He let me in and after a few minutes he managed to compose himself and asked if I would like tea. I told him yes so he went into another room to make some. I looked around the room; it was small and kinda dingy, but then again, Angel always liked the dark. I looked on the mantle piece and to my surprise found a photo of the two of us as kids playing at the park as well as a photo of his parents, but there was another photo, of a girl who didn't look familiar, she seemed about Angels age and then it occurred to me that it was probably his girlfriend. I sat back down just as Angel came in with two cups of tea.  
  
After another few minutes of awkward silence Angel finally asked why I was here. It was as if that was the key to the gate, his words just let everything out. I told him everything, from how I tried to call him but never could, how I missed him, what has been happening at school and how I couldn't take being alone anymore. I needed out, so I came here for the day, to get away from the torment at school. I just let everything gush out as I never had before in my entire life and soon I felt tears spring to my eyes.  
  
When I was finished Angel just sat there and said slowly and almost carefully, "Buffy, I know your hurt and something is happening in your life but you can't just come here and expect everything to be normal between us. Things have changed. I'm living my life now. You left me, deserted me, you were my only true friend. I know I acted stupidly then but it took me years to get over the fact that you were gone and I don't want you to come back here thinking we can fix things because we can't. You shouldn't even be out of school right now so I think it would be best if you left and went back to your home."  
  
I stood up shocked at Angel's harsh words and, with tears pouring down my face, I walked out of his apartment and began to head down the street, Angel tried to call out to me, "I can drive you home if you want" but I didn't ever want to see him again.  
  
I caught the same bus back to the train station and got on the next train back to Sunnydale still in tears.  
  
A/N: Well, here's the next chapter I hope you like it. Thanks to Beth and Buffy-Star for reviewing and can I just say, if there is anyone who reads my story but hasn't reviewed please do, because it shows that people do read my story and that makes me feel good. It's not hard, just click on the little button that says Submit Review and type something in, anything. I would really appreciate it. Thanks!! 


	4. Defend your life

As days went by my mom noticed that I never seemed to do things with friends anymore so she enrolled me in some self-defence classes for 'something to do after school'. At first I didn't think I would bother going but in the end I decided what the hell, I mite as well turn up for one class to see how it is.  
  
As I walked through the door to the self-defence centre and looked at all the people, noticing relieved that I knew no-one. Maybe it'll be ok after all. I wandered up to the instructor, and began to explain why I was there.  
  
"No worries just find a space and follow the rest of us" he said interrupting my well planned out spiel.  
  
We started off learning a few basic things to do if someone attacked us and what to do in particular situations.  
  
The instructor, who's name was Ben Cheung said that I showed promise as a fighter and a fair bit of strength. Saying that made me feel special and was probably the main highlight of the class. He suggested I come to some other classes with some experienced people and join in the tournaments.  
  
"What are tournaments?" I asked. I was unsure and didn't like the sound of them.  
  
"Oh, not to worry, they are just friendly games, if you like, against one another. Very harmless and fun, it's just to improve skills. Plus, the winner at the end gets free lessons for a year and a nice trophy"  
  
"Okay, well, what day is it? I might have a look" I asked sort of curious.  
  
"Tuesday nights" Ben said and with that I walked outside to where my mom was parked and waiting.  
  
"How was it, sweetie?" Joyce queried as usual.  
  
"Okay," I mumbled, not wanting to give away how much I did actually like it.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
On Thursday I headed off to school once again. I didn't want to go L.A again because it would just remind me of what happened. Mostly I went to class except when I had a really bad class with the most horrible guys that tormented me constantly. It was this morning when I had double science that this was the case. I wasn't sure where to head so I began wandering around looking for a quiet place to sit. Soon I walked by the double swinging doors of the musty, old, Sunnydale High library. It was perfect; I could go in there and sit in the back behind stacks of books without anyone looking at me.  
  
I wandered in through the double doors and just the sight of nothing but musty old books calmed me down. The librarian asked if I needed anything, I told him no, I just wanted to do some research on a project for the class I was in. After that he left me in peace so I headed to the farthermost reach of the library and sat down with a book. The book was a total bore, something about World War 1 so I began to drift off...  
  
*Willow was next to me as we walked through the halls of Sunnydale high. A few girls bowed down to us as we passed while others came up for kisses and hellos. I turned the corner and Angel walked toward us and stopped me for a mind-blowing kiss. He mentioned that he had to go change for football and Will and I found Cordy and headed toward the girls locker rooms to change into those short maroon pleated skirts ready to cheer on the Sunnydale Razorbacks. As we walked through a door at the end of the corridor Willow disappeared and Cordelia started shouting at me to get away from her. "Go away loser, what are you doing next to me? Get back to the metal home" she yelled, and I started running away, towards the opposite door, but Angel came through that door and started chasing me, pulling a pocket knife from his sleeve. Not looking where I was going I ran headfirst into Cordelia and she grabbed me, holding me down. She locked lips with Angel and I felt helpless in her grasp watching them at it right in front of me. As they broke apart Angel raised his knife and slowly ran it gently down my face without drawing blood. "Don't worry, this won't hurt...much" He laughed an then suddenly a bell sounded*  
  
I woke with a start. Sweat was pouring down my face as I thought of the awful dream that had seemed so completely real just a minute ago. The bell had evidently just gone, which had awoken me from the dream. I stood up wiping the dampness from my face and headed to class.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
The weekend past really quickly and before she knew it Tuesday had come. Telling mom that I was going out wasn't a problem, she didn't even ask like usual. That's probably because I haven't been out in ages.  
  
I arrived at the centre and Ben recognised me and welcomed me in. He said there were three different types of games to compete in. One was basic wrestling where the winner was the last one standing. Another was on defence, blocking your opponent's moves when they attacked and then trading roles. Three judges watched your moves and decided on a winner. This was safe because you were padded up. The third and last one was really dangerous. It was fighting your opponent with skills learnt in karate. The fight only ended when one of the fighters surrendered or is knocked unconscious. Contestants wore minimal padding. Ben said that only a few people were game enough to try this. Also, he recommended for me the second thing because it specialised in what I was learning.  
  
I headed over to where he pointed. Some other men and women were taking padding from the boxes provided and strapping it on. "You're a new girl ey?" the closest chick asked. "Yep," I answered, "Mind showing me what to do with all this padding?" "Sure," she answered. Shortly afterwards, I was kitted up in all the padding I needed and was waiting in a line for my turn to compete. The name of the girl who talked to me is Jackie. She is a regular at the competitions even though she says she never does really well at them. The two of us chatted for a while but soon enough it was my turn. I stood in the ring and faced my opponent. She looked like a fairly easy person to beat. She was small and weak looking. Though I suppose looks can be deceiving because I also am very small and petite, but that doesn't mean I'm not strong. Anyway, I focused on what was going on around me. The whistle blew. She was defending first so I began throwing a few punches, kicks and a few special things we learned last class. She blocked punches easily but had a little more difficulty when I used kicks and made swipes at her legs. The whistle blew again after about five minutes and judges held up their score out of 10: 6.5, 7 and 6. It was an average score. Not the best but not totally terrible either. Now it's my turn. After another whistle blow the girl waited about thirty seconds before aiming a punch straight at my face. It was an easy punch to see coming, her shoulder gave everything away and so I blocked it easily. Her kicks were also easy to judge because they were kind of slow so none of them got me. In fact, it was only once or twice she got me with a few tricks that were sneaky and I hadn't yet learned in class. As the whistle blew I looked for my scores, they were 7, 8 and 7.5. I had made it. I'd beaten her. As I walked out of the ring Jackie shouted out to me: "Congratulations Buffy, this mean you get to come again next week" "Thanks," I replied. "I would watch you but I really have to get home, see ya next week I hope." "Ok, bye" I left the centre feeling really good about myself for the first time in ages and walked home in happiness.  
  
A/N: Oh my gosh, I am sooooo sorry. I know it's been a while since my last update but you can blame it on my creative writing teacher. She gives us a tonne of homework and it takes up all my time. Life has been so hectic lately. I'm not really sure if this chapter is much good, but it will do. Thankyou to last chapter's reviewers: Elizance, Kate (spiked666@hotmail.com), Kati, Buffspike, Beth, IceBlueRose, hells-angel01, Michelle Lin and ekmw511. I really appreciate it that you take the time to write a review for me. It means the world! 


	5. Anger goes deeper that blood

Wednesday morning I woke up feeling happier than I had in months. The sun was shining through my windows and it was a gorgeous day. Life was....better. Not great, but better. There was a purpose to getting up in the morning. I got dressed in a bright yellow tank top and jeans, cheery clothes. Going downstairs I grabbed a juice and skipped off to school.  
  
Then, as I neared the school I remembered the harsh words of my friends, I mean ex friends, and others. They weren't going to stop being vicious just because I was feeling good, just because I won a contest and made one friend. They would continue to taunt me, I knew it. Suddenly I wished I wasn't wearing that bright yellow tank top and I wished I wasn't going to school.  
  
As soon as I walked though the school gates something beyond my fears happened, someone had seen me compete at the self-defence night, and he wasn't impressed.  
  
"Hey Buggy, I saw you at that self-defence thing last night, what are you planning? You're gunna get real strong and then start a fight with me and my friends? You better stop soon or I swear you will regret it."  
  
"It's Buffy" I yelled, agitation showing in my voice.  
  
"Whatever, point is, if you still want your head the same shape you better stop going there. That was my sister you beat the other night and she was not happy."  
  
I looked at him, his eyes were narrowed and he looked really scary. Slowly I backed away and then walked off to one of my favourite places; the toilets.  
  
* * *  
  
That night I was supposed to have training but I decided it was pointless going. People are just going to aggravate me about it.  
  
Not wanting to tell mom because I knew she'd be disappointed I went anyway but instead of going in I walked down Main Street towards a lonely little coffee shop. It was in a back alley which I knew no one from school went to because of the dinginess factor. Settling down with a latte I relaxed, just letting thoughts flow through my head.  
  
I pondered over some questions. Why do they hate me so much? It's not like it really matters that I had a brief bad period in my life. Things change, people change. And Glory, why did she feel the need to ruin my life? Was it because I was more popular and she couldn't handle being second best?  
  
Then, a thought occurred to me, I didn't have to take being dragged around like road kill, I could stand up for myself. Maybe talking back instead of cowering was the best answer; what have I got to lose? My friends - nope, lost them already. I might as well try and at least gain a little respect and if it doesn't work then who cares?  
  
I checked my watch and seeing that I should just be getting out of class right about then I headed off toward home.  
  
Mom was in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea and reading the day's paper when I entered. "Hey honey, how are you? How was that class?"  
  
"Hi mom, I'm good," I said truthfully. "Class was great," that wasn't so truthful, but hey, one little white lie can't hurt. Can it?  
  
"That's great honey, there's some food in the fridge if you want it, just heat it up in the microwave. I have to go to the gallery for a little while to take an inventory of a collection of paintings that just got shipped in yesterday. I shouldn't be too long, maybe an hour or two."  
  
"Ok mom, have a good time. I will be fine by myself."  
  
"Great," mom said. "See you later then."  
  
Once mom had left I pulled some spaghetti out of the fridge and settled down in front of the T.V without really paying attention to the people on- screen. I was thinking about what I could say to the girls who made my life hell.  
  
* * * * * * * * * * * *  
  
Choosing what to wear that morning was difficult, I needed something that I could feel comfortable in if I was going to confront everyone but then again it needed to be something confident as well. After about half an hour of deliberating I threw on a crimson tee-shirt and a pair of black pants along with an essential - my boots.  
  
As I approached the looming black gates of Sunnydale I felt sharp needles jabbing into my stomach but I knew that I had to stay confident if I wanted to pull it all off.  
  
As I walked by the group of girls that used to be my best friends I over- heard Cordelia talking.  
  
"Hey, I was looking through my vogue magazine the other day and I saw that those ugly black boots we used to wear were soooo out of fashion, the latest craze is these gorgeous ugh boots, check them out." Cordy showed them off to everyone as they admired.  
  
That was the last straw; I turned towards them with fury pounding through my body. I knew that comment was directed straight at me.  
  
Facing Cordelia directly I asked stonily; "What are you saying about me Cordelia?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" She said a little too cheerfully.  
  
"Don't act like you don't know that you talked about those shoes just to be mean to me." I told her, slowly, angrily.  
  
"Why would I be mean to you Buffy? You're nothing; I don't care the slightest about you anymore and never will. Other people may continue to say stuff to you but I don't even want to give you the time of day."  
  
Cordelia's words sunk harshly into my brain as I realised she was right; I was nothing, a pebble in amongst a huge beach full of boulders.  
  
Tears pricked my eyes and I tried to hold them back so no-one could see but one of Cordelia and Glory's groupies already did.  
  
"Hey, look, she's crying! You made her cry, good on you Cordy." She giggled harshly and the group walked off.  
  
I suddenly just let the hot, salty tears pour down my face and I turned and began running.  
  
Nothing could have possibly been nastier than those cruel words. Not caring was the worst thing she could have done, if she'd been mean at least it would have been a form of caring.  
  
My feet hit the pavement with force as I pounded down the path. Finally I collapsed in tears in a little nook of the school that most people didn't pass by.  
  
Anger boiled thick in my blood but somewhere in that anger there was sadness. Nothing could take away the pain that I felt of losing my best friend.  
  
Pulling a pocket knife from my bag I opened it slowly and not knowing what to do with my anger and sadness I sliced a deep cut straight into my forearm.  
  
I grimaced with pain when the blade entered but as the thick red blood trickled slowly down my arm it gave me some feeling of satisfaction. The pain that was coursing through me was taking away the feeling of all else that was terrible in my life.  
  
That reaction only lasted a few seconds so then I lifted up the knife again ready to strike into a new spot on my pale skin when a hand closed over mine and lifted the knife away.  
  
A/N: Hey all, sorry for the wait on an update. The next chapter, ladies and gentlemen, is the long awaited arrival of the stranger who helps Buffy out. Hope you enjoyed this chapter; it had a cliff-hanger, mwa ha ha, I am so evil! Anyway, it's the holidays now so maybe I can get a couple more chapters out really soon. Thanks to Beth, golden+girl736, buffspike, Angeldiva696, chantel, Spike_lover, natasha and angela for reviewing, I really appreciate it! 


	6. Kindness shows his face

.......a hand closed over mine and lifted the knife away. I tried to pull back, without even looking up to see who it was, I just kept trying to get the knife back to my skin, had to rid myself of the pain.  
  
Finally, when I realized that the person connected to the hand was really strong and the knife wasn't budging I gave in and looked up towards the face that the hand belonged to.  
  
"Hey luv, why are you doing that to your pretty little arm?"  
  
It was Spike, the most popular guy in just about the whole school. Why he was even talking to me? Every girl adored him and all the guys thought he was so cool.  
  
"Min' if I sit down?" he asked. I gave a slight tilt of my head to show that it didn't matter.  
  
He sat and for the longest time neither of us said a word. The bell went to suggest that it was time to go to class but he didn't make any moves toward leaving so I stayed too.  
  
Minutes passed slowly by and still we said nothing. I looked down at my arm at all the dried streaks of blood and a hot tear rolled slowly down my face. Spike put a hand up to wipe it away. I pulled away because suddenly I became very apprehensive of why he was comforting me.  
  
My whole life had been full of bad things and when things did go right it suddenly went bad again. This was not a turn around in my luck; it was just a further excuse to be tormented by life. He was probably planning a joke between him and his friends. I pulled my hands away and stood up.  
  
"Hey, where are you going?" Spike asked worried, "What did I do?"  
  
"Oh don't think I don't know that this isn't a plan between you and your friends to make an even bigger fool out of me," I said, quite angrily. "Why else would you talk to me?"  
  
"Listen love, I swear I'm not talking to you 'coz the others put me up to it. You just looked sad is all; wanted to se what was wrong."  
  
"Well, I don't need your help!" I was indignant and still suspicious.  
  
"Never said I was gunna help, just wanted to see what was wrong."  
  
"Whatever." I sat down again next to him without saying anything else; until I gave in to my curiosity and asked him what I was dying to know:  
  
"Spike, why are you here? Why did you stop me from cutting myself? The real reason"  
  
"Ok, well ages ago, when I was living back in London, things weren't so good for me either; I had pretty much no friends and was a complete dork who just sat in the corner of the room writing really bad poetry about a girl I liked." He paused for a moment before adding: "If you tell anyone this I will rip your throat out. Anyway, all the kids used to beat me up and were really cruel, and finally things were so bad for me that I pretty much gave up on life itself. I cut my arms up way worse than you've done and one day I nearly died from blood loss. After that my mom and da' decided to move us to America for a fresh start. It was a new beginning for me so I changed my image and personality completely." He gestured to his clothes and hair.  
  
"Anyway," he said "I like my new school and friends and attitude but that doesn't mean I will forget the past." He finished his story and leaned back letting his weight rest on his arms.  
  
He didn't say anything else so it gave me time to think; I wondered: What was worse? Being shot by an arrow by your friends; or; continuing to stab yourself with the arrow after they have finished. Why torment myself as well as them?  
  
I let these questions and other thoughts run through my head. I though about what had been happening; what I had done; and what my so called friends had done. So many thoughts and I didn't stop the flow of any of them; I thought about anything and everything.  
  
Very suddenly, Spike stood up and pulled me up with him. I was about to protest but he said something:  
  
"The bell's about to go, I figured you wouldn't wanna be around when that happens."  
  
I let myself follow him out of the school and down the main road to a small, secluded coffee shop. I noticed that is was the same coffee shop that I had gone to earlier to get away from my school mates.  
  
Spike led me in and sat me down at a table before ordering us some coffee.  
  
"So luv, why don't you temporarily forget about today? What do you say?"  
  
"Sure," I said, "Sounds good actually, I need a break from my life."  
  
A waitress came past and put two lattes on the table. I reached for the sugar and at the same time Spike did. Our hands touched just above the sugar jar; and it seemed to me like the world stopped dead for a second. Electricity ran through our touch until finally Spike pulled away. He apologized and quickly changed the subject.  
  
"So, you haven't been here for your whole life have you?"  
  
"God no," I told him, "I used to live in L.A"  
  
"Yeah, I thought you didn't seem like a regular small town girl."  
  
"That's how all this stuff started you know, Glory spread the rumors and I used to know her in L.A."  
  
"Hey! I thought we weren't talking about that," Spike said to me.  
  
"Oh yeah, that's right," I said, sort of relieved yet in some way sort of annoyed that I couldn't get my feelings of my chest.  
  
I realized that I wasn't paying attention to Spike's words because I was away with my thoughts so I tuned back into reality just in time to hear him say that he wanted to get to know me better so how about I tell him some stuff about me. My reply didn't answer him, only reversed the question:  
  
"Well what about you Mr. secretive? You haven't said a whole lot about yourself, apart from your days in England. What sort of music do you like?"  
  
"Well, I shouldn't be telling you since you were supposed to be telling me stuff about you not the other way round, I will tell you anyway; I like rock and metal music. Bit of a guitar player myself actually. Not to brag or anything." I laughed at that, a real laugh; I hadn't laughed in what seemed like ages.  
  
"Not to brag hey? Are you any good?" I asked him genuinely.  
  
"Yeah, I am fair good actually. I have played a few gigs down at the Bronze with a band called 'Dingoes at my Baby'."  
  
"Cool, next time you play you have to invite me to come and watch." I said, and then regretted. That was practically asking him out on a date; god Buffy you idiot.  
  
Spike took what she said very smoothly: "Sure, I'd love too."  
  
I smiled at that and then looked down at my watch and nearly jumped out of my seat. I didn't realize how late it had gotten. School had been out for an hour.  
  
"I should be getting home Spike." I told him, "But thanks for the coffee, and you know, everything else."  
  
"No problem luv, want me to walk you home?"  
  
"No, I'll be ok, thanks anyway."  
  
I picked up my coat and walked out in to the cold air. Briskly I walked along the street in the direction of my house, hoping it wouldn't matter that I came home late.  
  
I opened the door and started to head upstairs, and then I heard from the kitchen:  
  
"Buffy Summers, get in here right now!"  
  
Uh oh, I thought...  
  
A/N: Hey guys! I am soooooo sorry for my complete lack of updating but it was birthday the other week and I have been doing a lot of stuff. Plus, school has decided to give me more homework than I can tolerate right now. I hope you are all still reading. Don't forget to review each chapter. I love reviews; they are my favorite thing in the world! Thanks to those who reviewed my last chapter: Caylin, Liz, hells-angel01, chantel, Spuffy101, LilyRite, Lady Gwenlian, sexywendy, goldengirl736, J-ames and Natasha --- You guys rock!! 


	7. Confrontation

I sat cross legged on my bed probably looking very peaceful. However my mind had no peace whatsoever. I was still jumpy from the incident that had occurred at school. I had no idea why I did what I did, and I was angry at myself because of it.  
  
Also, when I had gotten home mom yelled at me for about an hour on end trying to figure out why I skipped school. I wouldn't tell her, will never tell her, she wouldn't understand. Instead I kept quiet when she grounded me for a week. Luckily I had pulled on a jacket before I came into the house or she would have seen the marks. Who knows what she would have done. Maybe I would be put back into the mental institution. I don't want that, never want that again. The horrible place still gives me nightmares.  
  
I tried to sleep but I couldn't. My mind was on the one thing I thought it wouldn't be. I should be thinking about what I did, how horrible Cordelia was to me, what a bitch Glory was or why my mom was yelling at me. Any of those thoughts would have been reasonable, but no, I couldn't stop thinking about Spike. Our touch, his kindness, everything about him seemed to be perfect. Not the plastic barbie doll perfect either; he was his own person, which was so important.  
  
I woke up at six the next morning so I could relax before having to go to school. I took a leisurely shower and selected a simple white v-neck top that cleverly covered up my arms without being overly warm on the gorgeous day.  
  
I wasn't sure what to expect by going to school. Would Spike stand up for me or had he already forgotten about the day before? I pondered this until 8:30 when mom announced that she was driving me to school. I knew it was so that I wouldn't skip school again, but that wouldn't stop me if I needed to do it.  
  
I walked through the gates once more, still alone. I looked around the yard and saw Spike hanging around with Cordelia, Glory, Harmony, Jake, Tim and others ... all the jocks and popular girls. I hung my head as I walked by; some things will never change, much as I want them to.  
  
My first class of the day was so incredibly dull that it was unbelievable. Nothing happened. I was invisible to everyone, even the teacher. It was recess when things changed; I was sitting alone at a table reading when Glory and Cordelia came up, their groupies following excitedly. I put my book down and looked up expectantly. What could they possibly want now? Hadn't they caused me enough traumas?  
  
"Hey Buffy, what's your deal? Do you need to go back to the institution; are you turning psychotic on us now? "Glory asked so many questions; but I knew she didn't want any answers.  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about," I told her matter-of-factly.  
  
"I'm talking about you, and self-harm. What's with that? Do you want to become a pity case? Is that it? Well you aren't going to get any pity from us because we know you. You are just an attention seeker looking to regain her attention."  
  
I saw Spike was standing a couple of metres away listening and not doing anything.  
  
He did it, he told the girls about what I'd done. Bastard. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him. I was so foolish to think he was better than anyone else here. He wasn't; he was exactly the same.  
  
I lowered my head and let a couple of tears slide down my face. I've shamed myself, I've let them hurt me; what happened to being strong like all the women in my family? Just as I was thinking about what I could do next I heard a strong male voice.  
  
"Hey girls, lay off Buffy. What has she done wrong this time?"  
  
"She's been cutting herself, trying to get some attention."  
  
"Well, just leave her alone won't you? She has enough to worry about without you lot being bitches." Spike was starting to get annoyed with what the girls were doing to me. I had hope for him yet, maybe I was right in the first place, he isn't like the other guys.  
  
"What are you doing Spike? Are you standing up for Buffy? How can you, just look at her, all she wants is some pity. I thought we were your friends."  
  
"I choose who I want to be friends with and who I want to help; so if I like Buffy then I will stand up for her."  
  
Glory led the others away in disgust, their high heels clicking away down the path. Spike sat down next to me and gingerly put his index finger under my chin to lift up my head.  
  
"Why did you tell them?"  
  
"It slipped out. I wanted them to know how much you were hurting because of what they've been saying. I'm sorry."  
  
"It's ok," I said, instantly forgiving him. That was the effect he had on me, I trusted him against my better judgement.  
  
I spent the rest of that day with Spike. It was comforting, having someone to hang around with. We didn't have any classes together unfortunately, because he was in year twelve but at lunch he took me by the hand and pulled me to a bench that overlooked the sports field. I enjoyed that lunchtime more than any other in a while. We talked about our lives and our ambitions and anything that came into our minds.  
  
"What are you going to do now Buffy?"  
  
"What do you mean?" I was confused by Spike's out of the blue question.  
  
"Well, about those girls, you can't be alone forever, you need friends."  
  
"I have you."  
  
"That's not what I mean. You can't just have me; you need other friends too."  
  
"Well, I hate them. I'm not going back to them, especially with Glory there. She hates me."  
  
"Ok, well..." He thought for a moment, "Remember how I said I played in a band?"  
  
"Yes, Dingoes Ate my Baby, you told me. Interesting name..."  
  
"Ha ha, yeah, well, I'm playing tonight at The Bronze again. I hang out with a lot of guys and girls there that are in first year college now so you wouldn't know them. They are pretty cool; so I was wondering if you wanted to come. You did say you wanted me to tell you when I played next. What do you say?"  
  
"I'd love to," I said to him positively. I really did want to go; it gave me a chance to meet some other people that didn't know me, didn't know my past.  
  
"Great, I'll pick you up at eight."  
  
"Ok," Oh wait, I thought, I'm grounded, damn. What do I do, I can't tell him I won't go. He will think I'm stupid if I tell him why. What do I do? Finally I said to him: "Actually how about I meet you out the front of The Bronze at eight? It would suit me better."  
  
"Alright," he agreed, "if you're sure."  
  
The rest of the day went fairly quickly and mom picked me up at 3:10 to drive me home and during the silent drive I wondered what I could do to get out of being grounded.  
  
A/N: Sorry, I took literally ages to update yet again. School is being mean and giving me more homework than ever before. It is all I have been doing. However, there is good news! I have finished the story! I decided to use it for my creative writing manuscript which meant I had to finish it all in one weekend. That means I will update about every week or so. I would still like to add in a few bits or whatever before I update though so yeah. Anyways, I think too that once I have posted the whole story I will re-post it with a few changes that might be a little better.  
  
Also, I want to say to Sarah, who suggested that the cutting scene was a little off; I think that (although I have no personal experiences) cutting will be a different experience for everyone and there is no particular way anyone would go about it. Thanks though for your review, I really like constructive criticism. It makes my story better.  
  
As always thanks to: SlayKitten91, Sarah, Tanydwr, Cynthia, IceBlueRose, Innocence/Indulgence, SpikesQueen, James, Chantel, GoldenGirl736, Anon., SexyWendy, Natasha, Hells-Angel01, Angelic, BD, Kassi, Liz and Lozzi1403. I have gotten an overwhelming amount of reviews for the last chapter and am so happy for that. I hope no-one has stopped reading though because I took so long to update. 


	8. A good time

Mom started making dinner for the two of us at 6:00 and I decided that the best way to go about getting her to trust me as well as go out was not to sneak out and lie but to be really, really nice and then ask.  
  
I walked into the kitchen and offered to make a salad to go with dinner. She smiled at me and said yes, that would be lovely. We worked together well but talked too. She told me about her day at the gallery and I avoided telling her about mine. Instead I said that I thought it would be a lot of fun working there.  
  
"Do you want to come and work part-time for me?" mom asked. "You could if you want, we work well together and we always need a bit of extra help. Besides, I was thinking you might want to get a job soon anyway."  
  
"That would be fantastic mom, thankyou." No more was said about it after that and we enjoyed our dinner in peace. That is, until I had to ask her if I could defy my grounding and go out.  
  
"Hey mom," I started, afraid of what she might say.  
  
"Yes sweetie?"  
  
"I know I'm grounded, but a friend invited me to go and see their band tonight and I was wondering if I could go. I promise I won't stay out too late and as soon as I get back I will continue with being grounded. Also, I will be really good, I swear."  
  
Once I had finished my attempt at convincing her I saw mom milling the facts over in her brain. One half of her wanted to be firm with grounding me and the other was fighting it, thinking that I hardly ever went out with friends so it would be a good thing for me. After much deliberation she said no, quite firmly.  
  
Damn. I thought I was in with a good chance. What do I do now? I have to go; she's left me with only one choice: sneak out.  
  
I picked up the dishes and went into the kitchen to wash them. I pulled up my sleeves and then quickly pulled them down again. Mom can't find out about the cut. Instead I put on some long rubber gloves to wash the dishes with.  
  
When I was done with the dishes it was 7:15 and I needed to figure out how to get out of the house. I went upstairs and into my room. I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, coaxing myself into it. I gotta just do it; I have to go, or Spike is gunna hate me.  
  
Just then my mom knocked on the door. Shit, now I'm going to be slowed down. She came in and sat down on a chair in the corner of my room without saying anything. Then she sighed and began to speak.  
  
"Ok Buffy, I have been thinking and have decided that you can gout tonight. But you must be back by midnight and the rest of this weekend and all of next week you will not go anywhere and you can start working everyday after school at my antique store. If I find out you skip any more classes you will sorely regret it ok?"  
  
"Thank-you mom," I replied. Then, I jumped up and gave her a hug.  
  
"Ok, but I am way too good to you." She said smiling.  
  
Yes! I have regained her trust in me. I love my mom so much. I wish I could talk to her about what matters but she just wouldn't understand it.  
  
I walked up to the entrance of The Bronze; it was a pretty small, dingy looking place, but then again, you couldn't expect much from a town this size. I checked my watch and then cast my eyes over the crowd in search of Spike. I saw him leaning against a wall near the entrance chatting to a group of people.  
  
I observed them for awhile before going over. There were three other guys and two girls. One girl seemed very outgoing. She had deep brown hair which was loosely curled and wore a lot of black leather. She was chatting with the other guys whereas the second girl was hanging back and just listening. She had straight reddish brown hair and her attitude reminded me a lot of Willow.  
  
Realising I had been just standing there I figured I better go over so I did and once I was only a meter away Spike saw me and waved. He introduced me to the people: Oz, Xander, and Zach were the guys and the girl with brown hair was Faith while the red-head was Kit. I said hi to them all and then Spike said that I should go in with Faith and Kit while he and the others went to set up.  
  
We entered the crowded room and as soon as we got a little way in Kit announced she was getting drinks for us all. That left Faith and I to find a table with a view. Straight away she was asking questions.  
  
"So you go to school with Spike hey, what year are you in?"  
  
"Eleven," I replied quietly. I felt really shy around people I didn't know that well and especially shy around Faith because she was so loud.  
  
"Oh!" She said, surprised. "I thought you were the same age as Spike. That's cool. So, I haven't seen you around here before, where do you hang out?"  
  
Faith had so much enthusiasm that it got me interested in whatever she had to say even it she was just blabbering about nothing in particular. I told her that I didn't really 'hang out' anywhere these days and just laughed a little.  
  
Soon enough Kit was back with three beers. I almost let my mouth drop open but quickly prevented it. I was expecting a soft drink or water or something, not alcohol, but they were in college after all. I took the beer that she handed me and we sat down just as the band were starting to tune up.  
  
During their first song we just sat there drinking and chatting about when I used to live in L.A, what courses they were doing at college and what we all had planned for the rest of the weekend. At that point I left out the fact that I was grounded and said nothing much.  
  
"Spike really likes you Buffy, I saw the way he looked at you when you arrived," Faith told me matter-of-factly.  
  
"Bullshit!" I said laughing, "As if!"  
  
"It's true," Kit agreed.  
  
That shut me up. I changed the subject and suggested that we should go and dance. Faith and Kit unanimously decided that was a great idea so we pushed our way through the crowd to near the front of the stage to dance.  
  
The music that the boys' were playing was great. The steady beat kept us moving constantly, making everyone tired and sweaty but still enjoying themselves enormously. Faith was dancing her heart out in the middle of a circle while Kit and I just laughed and danced around the edges.  
  
Once the bands' set finished they jumped off stage and Spike grabbed me around the waist. I told him they were fantastic and he just smiled and asked for the next dance. We danced together until 11:30 when I realised I should probably get home. Faith protested my leaving but when I said I really did have to she got my number so that she could call me when they next go out. I smiled and told her that would be great. Then I walked out of The Bronze feeling totally happy for once. Life was getting...better.  
  
A/N: Hey! Another update! Yay! It has only been about one week so that is a record for me! Oh, unfortunately, I majorly screwed up the last chapter. Some things were not as they were meant to be, wrong names and stuff. Apologies to all for that, I am very embarrassed but it's all fixed now.  
  
Also, I just want to say a few things to the reviewer who calls themselves "Disappointed" and to anyone else who thinks that the cutting part of this story wasn't very good. First, no, I have had no personal cutting experiences however I did TRY and research it however my sources were not very helpful. Also, I did rush it a little bit and I have decided that I am going to re-post all the chapters when I am finished with the story with added bits and more 'feeling' in it. Please stop sending reviews about how bad that part is: move on ok? I know it wasn't the best I could possibly do and I'm sorry.  
  
To my reviewers: Lozzi1403, spikesbabyblues, Me-Spike-4eva, Susan Pero, Anon., meh, rae717, hells-angel01, unforgiven mistress, Chantel, SlayKitten91, spikesqueen, Dissapointed and Spikelover213, you are all fantastic for reading!! Thanks a lot. 


	9. leave the past behind

Over the next few weeks I spent a fair bit of time with Faith, Kit, Oz, Xander, Zach and Spike. We went out most Fridays to The Bronze and just hung out listening to the music. Mom didn't really mind that I went out as long as I wasn't home too late. I occasionally saw them during the week as well but most of the time I was working at mom's gallery.  
  
Working at the gallery was great. I had good fun there; the girl I worked with named Luce who was really good to me and we got along like fire. I usually just had to take an inventory of any shipments that came in or I stood at the register and handled payments. Mom and Luce usually dealt with customer queries because I didn't know enough about paintings but I was learning fast.  
  
Spike and I were becoming really close and on Saturday we were going to the park for a picnic. I needed to find something to wear so that's how on Friday I happened to be standing in front of my wardrobe with its contents dumped across the floor.  
  
I had no idea what to wear. I needed something that went with my tanned complexion and that wasn't too dressy but still looked nice enough. Also, it had to be suitable for a park.  
  
Just then, interrupting my planning, mom knocked and came in with the phone in her outstretched hand.  
  
"For you."  
  
"Thanks mom!"  
  
I took the phone and after I said hello I nearly dropped the phone in shock. I thought it was going to be one of the girls or Spike maybe but not Angel; anyone but Angel.  
  
"Hey Buffy, don't hang up please. I realise that I was cruel when you came to see me and I phoned to apologise."  
  
My eyes welled up with tears as I thought about the day that I went to go see him. He was so rude to me. But now he wanted to apologise. Could I accept it?  
  
"No Angel, you were right, I was foolish and stupid that day. I shouldn't have come, I was hurt is all, and we used to be such good friends I thought you might be able to talk. But I was wrong and I see that now."  
  
"I was so hurt when you moved away."  
  
"And you think I wasn't Angel? You were my other best friend next to Willow and so that meant I was going to have lost both of my best friends. All you did was act selfish and run away hurt."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I tried calling you but after a while I gave up, and yes, I got over it. I made new friends and so did you."  
  
"I shouldn't have acted the way I did that time though."  
  
"No, you had every right to, I shouldn't have shown up the way I did. I'm sorry. But I'm ok now, I don't need you. Go back to living your life and forget about me. It's ok. I'm fine."  
  
"But I want to become friends again... I'm ready."  
  
"But I'm not, Angel; let's just not go there again. Goodbye"  
  
With that I hung up and lay down on my bed for a good cry. He had hurt me so much that I just didn't want to deal with him anymore.  
  
My life had been fun and busy. I was moving on, old wounds were healing and new doors were opening. Sure, life at school wasn't great because I was still by myself but I had other friends now and I was better.  
  
Gently I touched the bump on my forearm and realised that cutting my arm had helped me get to a new and better life. Maybe even the worst things happen for reasons that may not seem evident at the time. I had met Spike and my life got better. The past is behind me and Angel is part of the past, not the future.  
  
Saturday morning started off beautifully. The sun was shining and the vast blue sky smiled over the world making everyone cheerful. Even I had forgotten about the phone call and my thoughts of the night before. I dressed for my day out with Spike in white denim shorts and a midnight blue tank top.  
  
I was sitting out on the deck with a glass of orange juice when Spike came. He was, as usual, dressed all in black however his trademark leather duster was absent. I motioned for him to sit down while I went to get my things. Shortly after that we walked over to the park that was just down the road from where I lived chatting freely.  
  
The time we spent at the park was fantastic. Spike bought us some burgers to eat and then we played Frisbee which I wasn't really that good at so we stopped and Spike sat down on the grass.  
  
"So, Buffy, what did you get up to last night?" Spike asked casually as he pulled me down next to him. He didn't know about the phone call and I didn't really want to tell him, but there's something about Spike that makes you want to bare all.  
  
"I'd rather not talk about it," I told him, suppressing the fact that I actually did.  
  
Spike sat up in surprise: "What happened, what's wrong?" He didn't actually think that his simple question would have that effect.  
  
"I got a phone call from an old friend." I said, quietly.  
  
Since Spike knew nothing about Angel I had to start from the beginning and by the end I was in tears.  
  
"It's ok Buffy, I know it must be hard, but you're right, there's no point bringing up the dead once again. Move on."  
  
"Thank-you Spike, you always seem to know what to say to me. That's what I had been thinking myself but it's good to hear it from someone else too."  
  
I looked at him and he had a half smile on his face that I'd never seen before. He leaned forward so slightly and I knew what was coming; he was going to kiss me. Half way through that thought his lips touched mine and I didn't know what to do. He brushed his lips so gently over mine that I barely knew they were there before he pulled back; then he tucked a few strands of hair behind my ear and looked shyly away.  
  
Inside, I was screaming and shouting and squealing and jumping around, Spike kissed me!  
  
A/N: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!!! Please forgive me for not updating and for this chapter being so short. I dunno if it's good or not. Anyways, anyone who is reading PLEASE review I beg you. Don't just read and then not review. I love reviews. They are so important to me. Tell me what you thought please. I hope to get a minimum of 10 reviews before I update again okay?  
  
Thankyou again to those who reviewed my last chapter: Lozzi1403, Wicked- angel3, Sarah, Elizance, spuffy-fan1, Spikesgirl2626, Billie Joe's stalker DarkRoses217, chantel and spikesqueen. 


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